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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,
and welcome back to

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Play of the Week, where each week
a new play is performed

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live in front of a studio audience
and broadcast to the nation.

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I am Chris Bean,
<font color="

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Following Robert's ambitious
turn as director last week,

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the cast came crawling back to me

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and I graciously agreed to take on
the mantle of director once more.

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Which reminds me... Robert, here
are your new lines for this evening.

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<font color="

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Robert and I mutually agreed
it would be best for him

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to play only non-speaking
roles this evening.

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Tonight's piece is a classic by
the great playwright Shakespeare.

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To be clear,
<font color="

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the much less well-known and
much less well-regarded cousin

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of Colin Shakespeare.

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So, the actors are prepared,
the stage is set.

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Please enjoy

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The Most Lamentable Tragedy
Of The Prince Of England

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<font color="
Prince Regent Of France

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And The Problems Therein
Experienced By All

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When They Came To Know Of
One Another After A Battle.

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APPLAUSE

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FANFARE

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GONG REVERBERATES

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<font color="

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Advanced in years,
he nears the end of...

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GONG

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..life.

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His kingdom disembowelled
by bloody war,

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where death doth stalk
from midland to...

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GONG

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<font color="

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Prince Richard,
who was out of wedlock birthed,

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carries his father's name
but not his worth.

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Queen Isobel would
his blood soon spill.

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Foul Malcolm plots
and for the throne...

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...he'd kill.

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<font color="
in turmoil up and down,

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all men do scheme to try
and seize the throne...

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Crown.

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All hail the King!

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FANFARE

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TRUMPET PARPS

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A merry trumpet and a bold.

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But embolden me it doth not, for
<font color="

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What medicine, my love?

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For me, there is none. For the
kingdom, the remedy be my heir.

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His heir Richard is no better
than air itself,

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born as he was of
a lowly tavern strumpet.

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No son of mine is he.

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<font color="

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Eric the Jester!

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My liege, you call me forth
but my name is Eric

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and I am first amongst your court.

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BELLS JINGLE

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ALL CHUCKLE

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ROBERT GUFFAWS LOUDLY

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Good Eric, I called thee
<font color="

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My Lord, we all do ale!

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And at celebration we may wine too.

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ALL CHUCKLE

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ROBERT GUFFAWS

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Bring forth...
Bring forth...

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..the King's...
..the King's...

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..brother!
<font color="

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FANFARE

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What news, good....

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MUFFLED GRUNTING

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MUFFLED: What news, good brother?

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No news but thy impertinence,
Malcolm.

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Kneel before your King.

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LOUD CREAKING

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<font color="
Let us speak as brothers!

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Stand.

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CREAKING

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Whoa...

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I know my throne
thou covet for thyself.

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MUFFLED SPEECH

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Nay, Malcolm, if Richard
doth beat the French down,

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<font color="
that takes the crown.

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Call forth Prince Richard!

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Bring forth...
Bring forth!

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..Prince...
Prince!

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..Richard!
Dick!

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You called for me, father?

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TRUMPET PARPS

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<font color="

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and soon this crown
shall pass unto thy head.

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STRAINING

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Behold its dignity and pomp.

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I shall go forth to war
and prove my sword is true.

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Well, if thou tastes victory,
this crown shall pass to you.

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<font color="

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SCREAMS

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P...p...prithee,

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where be my man penis?

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Tis vanish-ed.

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The...the spirits must
have frowned upon it!

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And what are these...benetted baps?
They...

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<font color="
before any more of me is...

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..released.

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FANFARE

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And the court thought he was
but an irrelevant trumpeter,

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but you shall soon see
I am most relevant!

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Non-speaking!

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FANFARE

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<font color="

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MUFFLED GROANING

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I will not see that boy
seated upon the throne.

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I'd rather see
the kingdom in your hand.

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MUFFLED: Good, my lady...

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MUFFLED: You will be my queen.

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<font color="
and my heart doth melt.

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Now we're alone,
spare me one secret kiss.

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One secret kiss.

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We're alone.

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No, you're not.
Yes, we are...prithee.

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She wants you to leave. Get off!

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<font color="

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One secret kiss.

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Come on... Just...

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MUTTERING

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Now we must be gone before
the King sees aught's amiss.

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And now away from
the King's fine court

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to a field where a bitter
battle is fought.

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<font color="

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and every one prepared to die

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for the common...

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..gud.

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Argh!

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GRUNTING

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Argh! Argh!

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ARGH!

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Cannon! Cannon!

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<font color="

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Aim!

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Ooh!

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Oof!

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How fare you, sirrah?

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Er... Suf-FER-ing GREAT-ly
AT the FRENCH-man's HAND

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but WHO come-ETH yon-DER hill-TOP?

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A man.

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Tis Richard, our great prince,
<font color="

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What ho, fine friends.

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Steel your courage and stick it to
your brother's back for we are one.

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Hurrah!

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HOO-ray!

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Yes! Hooray! Huzzah!

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Bravery rule thy head, let valour
be thy light! Bravery...

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<font color="

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Dinky! Dinky! Come back!
Come back here...

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All fight! Fight for good Richard!

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Get 'em! Kill the French!

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England forever! Charge!

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Oh, look! They're charging!

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Get them! Kill the English!
France forever!

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<font color="
I am a pacifist!

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A pacifist?
Why are you here?

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I have to earn a living, don't I?

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What do you do?

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I'm a court trumpeter,
but the pay is not enough.

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You're a court trumpeter pacifist
<font color="

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I am.

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What a layered
and interesting man you are.

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I agree.

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Do you have a song that might

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outline your predicament
in more detail?

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I do, sirrah.

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<font color="
Hey-oh, hey-oh...

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Non-speaking!

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GRUNTING

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Curses! Another eager Englishman
bearing bloody blade draws near.

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LOUD SCRAPING
It is the foul Lord Buckingham

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whom we Frenchmen do fear.

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<font color="

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He thinks me English like himself.

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He calls me Richard.
What trickery is this?

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A fine battle we have won today
and we raise our arms victorious.

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CLANG

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The sun shines bright
upon our deeds.

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<font color="
witness to our glory.

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And yet I am no tree!

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I am the relevant trumpeter,
disguis-ed!

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Prince Richard, why wearest thou
a Frenchman's cap upon thy pate?

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Thou art sure to draw the eye of our
<font color="

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Buckingham! My father shan't deny
that this dost prove my worth!

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God's teeth, I see my prince
and there his shade

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as though a mirror were here before.

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By Jove, who art thou?
We are one and the same.

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<font color="

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WHISPERS: Dick...

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Who art thou, sir?

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What ho!
His voice is the echo of mine.

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Mine every syllable
dost sound as thine.

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My ears deceived both,
they sound alike.

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<font color="
Come take my hand-e!

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I shall not, sir.

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00:13:20,560 --> 00:13:22,440
I am Prince of...

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..Eng-land-e!

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ODD ACCENT: Some magic trickery.
How can this be?

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MIMICKING ACCENT: His every
<font color="

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Identical except in...BIRTH!

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Same voice, same height,

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same...GIRTH!

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00:13:51,640 --> 00:13:59,240
Our gestures knit, each hair in
pla-ace-ay-ay-hey-hey-HEY-HEY-HEY!

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00:13:59,240 --> 00:14:01,360
AY-hey!

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00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:09,640
It is as if the devil stole my...

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00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:15,760
..fa-ace-ay-ay-hey-hey-HEY-HEY-HEY!

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00:14:23,520 --> 00:14:26,120
<font color="

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00:14:27,160 --> 00:14:30,040
Bind this fellow, lock him away.

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00:14:30,040 --> 00:14:32,480
I shall to my father this very day.

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00:14:32,480 --> 00:14:33,840
Lower the bridge!

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00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:36,080
Argh!

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00:14:36,080 --> 00:14:37,880
Raise the bridge! Raise the bridge!

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00:14:37,880 --> 00:14:39,600
Ah... Lower the bridge!

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00:14:39,600 --> 00:14:41,760
Ah...

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00:14:55,320 --> 00:14:58,960
Push it up! Lift it!
<font color="

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THEY SHOUT

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Three, two, one, go!

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KING SCREAMS

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00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:22,240
The battle won
by England's merry throng.

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00:15:22,240 --> 00:15:26,440
Good Eric, toast their health
and give a song!

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00:15:26,440 --> 00:15:28,120
MEDIEVAL TUNE PLAYS

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00:15:32,880 --> 00:15:36,440

<font color="

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00:15:36,440 --> 00:15:39,800

Fair freckled was she

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00:15:39,800 --> 00:15:43,040

Hey, nonny, nay!

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I will dance all the day!

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00:15:46,320 --> 00:15:48,800
ALL:
<font color="

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00:15:48,800 --> 00:15:52,160
Ooh!

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00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:54,280
THEY CLAMOUR

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00:15:54,280 --> 00:15:55,840
Argh! Argh!

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00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:09,080

that was porked by a ham

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00:16:09,080 --> 00:16:12,880


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00:16:12,880 --> 00:16:15,800


236
00:16:15,800 --> 00:16:19,160

<font color="

237
00:16:19,160 --> 00:16:22,680

and showed it myself

238
00:16:22,680 --> 00:16:25,840

and showed it himself...

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00:16:25,840 --> 00:16:28,440
This is a most pleasing tune.

240
00:16:28,440 --> 00:16:32,080
Oh, prithee, more.
What happened to Bonny Peggy Ramsay?

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00:16:34,600 --> 00:16:37,640


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00:16:37,640 --> 00:16:40,920
<font color="
and what did she see?

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00:16:40,920 --> 00:16:44,600

and laying with me

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00:16:44,600 --> 00:16:47,680

and laying with he

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It shan't be the last

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00:16:51,320 --> 00:16:53,840

<font color="

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Prithee, no more, Fool! That's...
that's quite enough. Thank you.

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00:16:57,960 --> 00:17:00,640
What a charming diversion, Fool.
More goose, my love?

249
00:17:00,640 --> 00:17:03,280
No!

250
00:17:03,280 --> 00:17:06,640
I have lost the taste
for it, methinks.

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00:17:06,640 --> 00:17:08,000
Father!

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00:17:08,000 --> 00:17:09,520
<font color="

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00:17:09,520 --> 00:17:12,560
Upon our fighting in your name
did I happen upon this man,

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the very shadow of me.

255
00:17:14,040 --> 00:17:15,720
Bless my soul.

256
00:17:15,720 --> 00:17:20,040
Two sons now before me -
mine own and this, his brother.

257
00:17:20,040 --> 00:17:23,280
So you confess, this man is my kin?
<font color="

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00:17:23,280 --> 00:17:26,720
Alack, I must at last
confess my sin.

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00:17:26,720 --> 00:17:30,400
Your mother was no strumpet but
Queen Eleanor of France herself.

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00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:32,800
DRAMATIC GASP

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00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:32,800
Stop it.

262
00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:34,480
Our kingdoms both at war,

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00:17:34,480 --> 00:17:38,520
you were born in secret, brought
<font color="

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00:17:38,520 --> 00:17:41,880
whilst he, your twin,
remained with her.

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00:17:41,880 --> 00:17:44,040
I hope that all shall now be healed,

266
00:17:44,040 --> 00:17:47,120
at last this wicked truth revealed.

267
00:17:56,680 --> 00:17:59,160
And fortune hath united you.

268
00:17:59,160 --> 00:18:02,760
So you and I are brothers of
both French and English blood.

269
00:18:02,760 --> 00:18:04,080
<font color="

270
00:18:04,080 --> 00:18:07,840
So you and I are brothers of
both French and English blood.

271
00:18:07,840 --> 00:18:10,080
Father, at last our war can end.

272
00:18:10,080 --> 00:18:11,280
Not to me.

273
00:18:11,280 --> 00:18:13,840
Father, at last our war can end.

274
00:18:14,880 --> 00:18:17,760
Yet some wounds be too deep to mend.

275
00:18:29,800 --> 00:18:32,840
A blood moon rose, portending doom.

276
00:18:35,880 --> 00:18:38,880
<font color="

277
00:18:38,880 --> 00:18:41,120
As the King retired
to bed that night,

278
00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:43,640
he did not know he'd
seen his final light.

279
00:18:43,640 --> 00:18:45,760
GONG CLANGS

280
00:18:43,640 --> 00:18:45,760
AHHHH!

281
00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:02,880
My father for his sins
shall now atone.

282
00:19:02,880 --> 00:19:05,040
Then I, Prince Richard...

283
00:19:05,040 --> 00:19:07,480
<font color="

284
00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:10,360
..shall not share the throne.

285
00:19:10,360 --> 00:19:16,000
A single drop of poison in thine ear
will rob thee of thy health.

286
00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:21,200
Approach I now
in silence and in stealth.

287
00:19:21,200 --> 00:19:22,600
THUD, SHATTERING

288
00:19:30,800 --> 00:19:32,480
Come, subtle poison...

289
00:19:38,280 --> 00:19:44,800
<font color="

290
00:19:44,800 --> 00:19:45,840
SHRIEK

291
00:19:45,840 --> 00:19:47,320
Sorry! Sorry!

292
00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:51,000
The king is dead,

293
00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:54,280
but I'll not bear the guilt.

294
00:19:54,280 --> 00:19:58,280
I'll frame fair Louis,
then run him to the hilt.

295
00:19:59,640 --> 00:20:02,320
Treachery! Foul treachery!

296
00:20:02,320 --> 00:20:03,920
What news is this?

297
00:20:03,920 --> 00:20:06,800
<font color="
hath killed the king!

298
00:20:06,800 --> 00:20:08,120
What ho?

299
00:20:08,120 --> 00:20:10,120
The king is dead!

300
00:20:10,120 --> 00:20:11,520
BELLS JINGLE

301
00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:15,240
My father dead,

302
00:20:15,240 --> 00:20:16,560
they hesitate...

303
00:20:20,480 --> 00:20:22,320
..I am king.

304
00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:27,920
Now to the tower we shall
this traitor bring. Guard!

305
00:20:27,920 --> 00:20:29,920
<font color="

306
00:20:29,920 --> 00:20:31,240
Take him away.

307
00:20:32,240 --> 00:20:35,160
Yet foolish Richard
knew not I was no guard.

308
00:20:35,160 --> 00:20:37,400
I was the relevant trumpeter!

309
00:20:37,400 --> 00:20:38,720
Robert!

310
00:20:38,720 --> 00:20:40,000
Adieu.

311
00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:43,200
Foul trickery, villainy.
Thou art knaves!

312
00:20:43,200 --> 00:20:46,560
Come, Eric, wake the castle,
<font color="

313
00:20:46,560 --> 00:20:49,400
All must hear of
Louis' wicked sport.

314
00:20:49,400 --> 00:20:50,640
My lord.

315
00:20:50,640 --> 00:20:54,400
Aside. I spy upon his hand
a stain of poison green.

316
00:20:55,760 --> 00:20:57,880
No. It's an aside -
say it to the side.

317
00:20:59,160 --> 00:21:02,400
I spy upon his hand
a stain of poison green.

318
00:21:02,400 --> 00:21:05,320
<font color="

319
00:21:05,320 --> 00:21:08,920
I spy upon his hand
a stain of poison green.

320
00:21:08,920 --> 00:21:11,320
I must betray this message
to my Queen.

321
00:21:12,920 --> 00:21:13,960
Go, then!

322
00:21:17,440 --> 00:21:22,320
My Queen, I bid thee brace
thyself for news most foul.

323
00:21:22,320 --> 00:21:25,160
Prithee, tell me
the cause of thy scowl.

324
00:21:25,160 --> 00:21:29,120
<font color="
erm...

325
00:21:32,000 --> 00:21:34,560
..tis about the King.

326
00:21:36,680 --> 00:21:38,200
Prithee, tell me.

327
00:21:38,200 --> 00:21:40,880
Tis it about the king?

328
00:21:40,880 --> 00:21:44,400
Yes. Methinks it is.

329
00:21:44,400 --> 00:21:47,640
You bring me news
of the King's health?

330
00:21:47,640 --> 00:21:49,360
Methinks...

331
00:21:49,360 --> 00:21:51,920
Methinks...the King is well.

332
00:21:51,920 --> 00:21:53,920
<font color="

333
00:21:53,920 --> 00:21:56,040
Aye! The King is well dead.

334
00:21:57,760 --> 00:22:00,200
But the worst is still
to come for, is...is...

335
00:22:01,400 --> 00:22:02,960
Speak, Fool!

336
00:22:02,960 --> 00:22:04,520
Oh, it's the twist.

337
00:22:04,520 --> 00:22:07,600
Ay! He was murdered by Chris.

338
00:22:10,120 --> 00:22:13,280
Prithee, but who doth Chris play?

339
00:22:13,280 --> 00:22:14,520
<font color="

340
00:22:14,520 --> 00:22:17,440
Nay. The king didn't
kill the king, did he?

341
00:22:17,440 --> 00:22:20,720
But he...he said he was the King...
methinks.

342
00:22:20,720 --> 00:22:23,000
Yes, well, he's the King now

343
00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:26,280
but before he killed
the King, who was he?

344
00:22:26,280 --> 00:22:30,480
Chris. No! That's reality.

345
00:22:30,480 --> 00:22:32,960
<font color="

346
00:22:36,120 --> 00:22:38,920
In the play, who is Chris?

347
00:22:38,920 --> 00:22:40,360
The director.

348
00:22:40,360 --> 00:22:42,800
No! Which character?

349
00:22:42,800 --> 00:22:44,640
Was't he Richard?

350
00:22:44,640 --> 00:22:46,600
No. Yes, he was.
I thought he was Louis.

351
00:22:46,600 --> 00:22:49,040
No, he's Richard. They are twins.

352
00:22:49,040 --> 00:22:50,600
But they don't look the same.

353
00:22:50,600 --> 00:22:55,040
<font color="

354
00:22:55,040 --> 00:22:56,960
I don't even want to be
in this scene.

355
00:22:59,560 --> 00:23:02,320
Just... Look...

356
00:23:02,320 --> 00:23:06,040
My goodly fool,
my heart in pieces

357
00:23:06,040 --> 00:23:09,280
tides thee submit
gentle Malcolm hither.

358
00:23:09,280 --> 00:23:11,840
<font color="
Get Malcolm! Get Malcolm!

359
00:23:11,840 --> 00:23:13,480
All right, all right, all right!

360
00:23:15,760 --> 00:23:19,240
Oh, double joy, for now
King Walter's dead,

361
00:23:19,240 --> 00:23:22,840
his heir shall join
when Malcolm kills Rich-ed.

362
00:23:22,840 --> 00:23:24,200
Here.

363
00:23:24,200 --> 00:23:29,560
No! Get the actor
<font color="

364
00:23:29,560 --> 00:23:30,720
I'm so sorry.

365
00:23:30,720 --> 00:23:31,880
Malcolm!

366
00:23:31,880 --> 00:23:33,840
MUFFLED SPEECH

367
00:23:38,000 --> 00:23:40,320
Now is the time to seize this power.

368
00:23:40,320 --> 00:23:43,520
Richard and Louis
must die this very hour.

369
00:23:43,520 --> 00:23:47,560
MUFFLED: You speak the truth,
m'lady. To the dungeon!

370
00:23:47,560 --> 00:23:49,160
<font color="

371
00:23:49,160 --> 00:23:50,720
MUFFLED SCREAMING

372
00:24:02,040 --> 00:24:03,920
Oh, no!
ELECTRICAL HUMMING

373
00:24:21,760 --> 00:24:23,400
To the dungeons!

374
00:24:28,520 --> 00:24:30,840
SCREAMING

375
00:24:30,840 --> 00:24:33,400
I will stretch thee
until thou canst no more.

376
00:24:33,400 --> 00:24:36,120
Demon of hell, do thy worst.

377
00:24:36,120 --> 00:24:38,400
SCREAMING

378
00:24:46,200 --> 00:24:47,680
<font color="

379
00:24:47,680 --> 00:24:50,600
Ooh! Ooooh!

380
00:24:50,600 --> 00:24:53,440
Yes-oooh! Wow!

381
00:24:56,640 --> 00:24:59,880
Go, torturer,
leave this knave to me.

382
00:24:59,880 --> 00:25:02,280
I shall to hell
dispatch him presently.

383
00:25:02,280 --> 00:25:04,920
My liege!

384
00:25:02,280 --> 00:25:04,920
HISSES

385
00:25:06,200 --> 00:25:10,120
Will thou unbind my hands
so that I may pray?

386
00:25:10,120 --> 00:25:12,720
<font color="

387
00:25:12,720 --> 00:25:14,520
Then I shall send thee on thy way.

388
00:25:16,360 --> 00:25:20,920
With one swift strike,
I set both of us free.

389
00:25:20,920 --> 00:25:25,800
Thus with your death,
my secret dies with thee.

390
00:25:25,800 --> 00:25:27,280
CREAKING AND CLANKING

391
00:25:27,280 --> 00:25:30,320
MUFFLED: Not so fast!

392
00:25:30,320 --> 00:25:33,240
Well, Malcolm here
<font color="

393
00:25:33,240 --> 00:25:34,520
ELECTRICAL HUM

394
00:25:38,400 --> 00:25:41,240
MUFFLED: No mercy,
now your treachery is revealed.

395
00:25:41,240 --> 00:25:42,640
Then let us fight.

396
00:25:42,640 --> 00:25:44,960
And death to him who yields.

397
00:25:48,120 --> 00:25:50,920
ELECTRICAL HUM

398
00:25:48,120 --> 00:25:50,920
Oh, no!

399
00:25:52,480 --> 00:25:54,520
MUFFLED SHOUTS

400
00:25:57,360 --> 00:26:01,200
Prince Richard,
<font color="

401
00:26:06,120 --> 00:26:07,800
Argh!

402
00:26:07,800 --> 00:26:10,920
Thus with this wound
my plans are all unmade.

403
00:26:10,920 --> 00:26:14,880
Guard! Take him away!

404
00:26:14,880 --> 00:26:16,920
Oh...

405
00:26:16,920 --> 00:26:19,400
Throw him in the darkest cell.

406
00:26:21,080 --> 00:26:25,720
Thank you, sweet Malcolm.
The day is saved and all is well!

407
00:26:33,040 --> 00:26:36,360
<font color="
Now strike the other down.

408
00:26:36,360 --> 00:26:39,960
With them both gone,
we two shall share the crown.

409
00:26:41,600 --> 00:26:44,040
MUFFLED: Prepare to die!

410
00:26:46,680 --> 00:26:48,840
Another traitor
in this nest of snakes.

411
00:26:48,840 --> 00:26:51,880
Let our blades decide our fates.

412
00:26:51,880 --> 00:26:54,080
MUFFLED SPEECH

413
00:26:55,480 --> 00:26:58,280
<font color="
cannot harm me now.

414
00:26:58,280 --> 00:27:01,400
Hey! Hey! Hey!

415
00:27:01,400 --> 00:27:06,560
My blade doth pierce your back...
and you fall.

416
00:27:10,160 --> 00:27:12,280
TRIUMPHANT FANFARE

417
00:27:18,360 --> 00:27:20,720
FANFARE CONTINUES

418
00:27:22,600 --> 00:27:25,880
Malcolm is dead.
Richard is in chains.

419
00:27:25,880 --> 00:27:28,040
<font color="
onto Louis' head.

420
00:27:34,120 --> 00:27:37,720
There...Louis is...dead.

421
00:27:37,720 --> 00:27:41,440
So the crown shall now pass onto...

422
00:27:41,440 --> 00:27:43,640
..Queen Isobel.

423
00:27:51,880 --> 00:27:53,040
Argh!

424
00:27:55,200 --> 00:27:56,600
No.

425
00:27:56,600 --> 00:27:58,080
No...

426
00:27:58,080 --> 00:28:02,760
The crown shall
now pass onto...

427
00:28:02,760 --> 00:28:04,480
BELLS JINGLE

428
00:28:04,480 --> 00:28:05,800
<font color="

429
00:28:09,040 --> 00:28:10,280
Oh, dear.

430
00:28:10,280 --> 00:28:12,040
Is...

431
00:28:12,040 --> 00:28:14,880
It seems all our
characters are spent.

432
00:28:16,680 --> 00:28:20,000
And, at last,
the trumpeter...is relevant!

433
00:28:30,480 --> 00:28:32,080
Execute Chris!

434
00:28:33,800 --> 00:28:35,800
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING